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Strange Future
6/6/95
In the future....
  • Banks will offer Reality Checks-- Those who overdraw will go insane.

  • A chemist at Searle will destroy society by inventing Guilt-Blocker Pills-- Self-testing will turn his grave concerns about the deleterious effects of such a substance into thoughts of "Aw, what the fuck!"

  • Thanks to the Internet, no one will watch TV-- Set sales will be nearly nil before a clever ad exec revitalizes the market by renaming the device Electronic Babysitter.

  • Warning labels will have warning labels-- They'll read "Warning: The word 'warning," and all other words contained herein are merely symbolic intermediaries, not the concepts themselves. Interpret at your own risk."

  • The Vatican will run its own Web site-- During Holy Days, many worshipers will get the message "Connection refused by Pope."

  • Botanists will perfect the seedless pomegranate-- The same technology will allow the creation of the seedless sunflower.

  • Eating Mexican fast-food will be the eighth deadly sin-- The unrepentant will wind up in Taco Hell.

  • 'Snail Mail' will be delivered by snails-- The mollusks prove more swift than human carriers.

  • The dead will rise-- Thanks to Embalmer's Yeast.
And, as always...
  • The present will be the past-- And, of course, the future will be the present. There will be no future.
Visit the 5/30/95 Future
Felice

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