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Strange Future
4/10/95
In the future....
  • Food will be a utility like water and gas-- Plumbers will make a fortune clearing clogs in the hot beef pipes.

  • Babies will come with instructions-- However, it will be impossible to get through on the Technical Support line.

  • The VideoPhone will replace the telephone-- Two years later, it will be replaced by the LaserDisc phone. Users won't be able to make their own calls, but will instead watch classic conversations in their original wide-screen format.

  • People will have four fingers, cartoon characters will have three-- The trend will continue until the 'Toons are down to one, and it looks like Bugs Bunny is constantly flipping you off.

  • 'Movies on Demand' will be implemented literally-- People will be able to order films like a pizza: "I'd like a large Action with double comedy, hold the romance." Fox will deliver them in thirty minutes or less.

  • The Cola War will become a nuclear confrontation-- Coke will blow Pepsi off the map with a few well-placed missiles.

  • Laws will require that all driving be done while intoxicated-- Based on data that the drunk guy never dies in the crash, Police will stop the sober at checkpoints and liquor them up.

  • Bruce Willis will get a head transplant-- Tired of his own perpetually smirking mug, he opts for the chipper visage of Richard Simmons.

  • Scientists will learn to communicate with dolphins-- They will be severely disappointed that the cetacean's language is merely thousands of synonyms for the words "dude," "awesome," and "tubular."
And, as always...
  • The present will be the past-- And, of course, the future will be the present. There will be no future.
Visit the 4/3/95 Future
Felice

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