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Strange Future
In the future....
  • Life will be one long orgasm-- The world will be a much stickier place.

  • The rules of Chess will be forgotten-- A Rumanian Grand Master will become World Champion by twirling his opponent's king above his head and yelling "YAHTZEE!!!"

  • The proliferation of cable stand-up shows will exhaust the planet's joke supply -- Depletion of the previously-thought unlimited resource will sound the death knell of Letterman, Leno, and TV Sitcoms. Saturday Night Live will be unaffected.

  • Wars will be settled by wrestling-- In WWF-sponsored WWIII, Hulk Hogan will end the Bosnian crisis with a well-timed body-slam.

  • Market pressure will force 7UP to add caffeine-- The company will shell out millions in false-advertising fines for their "Never had it. Never will" campaign.

  • Miniaturization will bring "smart bomb" technology to bullets-- The intelligent projectiles will be able to distinguish the innocent from the guilty, making the criminal justice system obsolete.

  • Nanowave ovens will supplant the microwave-- Food will cook before you put it in.

  • To offset dwindling revenues, Casinos will alter Blackjack so players bust at three-- The revised game will be especially popular with Keno players.

  • MTV will show music videos-- I can dream, can't I?
And, as always...
  • The present will be the past-- And, of course, the future will be the present. There will be no future.
Visit the 4/17/95 Future

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