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Strange Future
5/8/95
In the future....
  • The Meek shall inherit the Earth-- They'll sign it over to the Aggressive after a day's intimidation.

  • Joe Camel will be replaced by T'Backy, the Nicotine Bear-- R.J. Reynolds will continue to insist they're not marketing to children.

  • A new dance craze--"The Hurl"-- will sweep the nation-- The easy-to-learn step involves drinking vast amounts of alcohol, then jumping up and down until one "does the Hurl".

  • Children will be allowed to vote for President-- Dan Quayle will suffer an embarrassing loss to the White Ranger.

  • Love potions will be available over-the-counter-- They will be nowhere near as popular as Gimme-A-Raise potions.

  • Ivy League Diplomas will be available from vending machines-- But it still takes four years to feed the 80,000 dollar bills into that little slot.

  • Ant colonies will overthow their Queens and install democracies-- They will become extinct shortly thereafter.

  • Barney will be taken off the air when censors realize that "I love you, you love me. We're a happy family" is really about pederasty-- This explains why his friend is named Baby Bop.

  • The overwhelming popularity of Hershey's Kisses and Hershey's Hugs causes the company to introduce Hershey's Blowjobs-- Eating too many of the cream-filled candies will cause one's jaw to ache.
And, as always...
  • The present will be the past-- And, of course, the future will be the present. There will be no future.
Visit the 5/1/95 Future
Felice

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