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Strange Future
5/16/95
In the future....
  • Facsimile machines will be able to transmit people-- Many will be told to go FAX themselves.

  • Folger's will introduce "Recaf" Coffee-- Enriched with all the caffeine removed from "Decaf," the new beverage replaces Jolt as the rocket fuel of the Computer Revolution.

  • Muscular Dystrophy will be cured-- Jerry Lewis will start a telethon for Washed-Up Performers Who Can't Get Booked Anywhere Else.

  • Scientists will prove mathematically that God exists-- Religious leaders reject the theorem since it also proves His name is Waldo and he lives in Jersey.

  • Wally Shawn will be declared People's "Sexiest Man Alive"-- Brad Pitt will take his own life.

  • Turner will introduce a new cable station, "Commercial Television"-- The pay-per-view channel will play ads twenty-four hours a day

  • For school-lunch purposes, the Government will classify Crunchberries as a fruit-- Sweetbreads will be classified as bread.

  • Philips will finally perfect the Holy Grail of multimedia, full-screen, full-motion video-- It will be sold under the catchy name of "VHS."

  • The cows will come home-- They say "Bill Bailey will be along in a minute."
And, as always...
  • The present will be the past-- And, of course, the future will be the present. There will be no future.
Visit the 5/8/95 Future
Felice

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